Parenting job description

Some say it's the toughest job. Job? Who said it is a JOB?

You don't get any training for it, there's not much in terms of pay or holiday allowance but yet thousands upon thousands each year accept the position.

Here's a parenting job description. All interested applicants please send your CVs to...

Salary

None. Sorry about that. Oh. Sorry again. You pay them and offer frequent raises and bonuses. It’s something really odd about this because you actually enjoy it and wish you could do and give more.

How wired is that?

Hours

24/7. Successful candidates are allowed a few hours snatched sleep per night for the first few years increasing to more as you remain in the position. Even during hours of sleep successful candidates will be expected to waken and resume normal duty at a moment's notice. There are 'bathroom breaks' during your normal working day but even then you may be accompanied by small people who you will be expected to chat to and entertain and provide answers to any pertinent questions they may ask.

Holiday allowance

There is one day per year allocated (it is marked in the calendar as Mother's Day or Father’s Day) but don't expect a massive break and on this day you will also be expected to eat cold toast in bed. There will be times marked as 'holidays' in the early years but please do bear in mind that these will often require you to work twice as hard to keep the harmony - just in a different place.

Previous experience

None required as on-the-job training is offered on a continually basis.

Essential skills required

• Ability to get through the day on little sleep (please note sleep will not necessarily be in one stretch)
• Firm knowledge of the alphabet (preferably in song form)
• Ability to carry out repetitive tasks (some involving wiping up bodily fluids) without complaint
• Basic rhythm to the level of being able to bob and rock a baby to sleep to the count of 1458
• Ability to do most tasks one-handed. (Please note we provide a one-day training course in buttering toast/jam with one hand for any candidates unable to do so at start of taking on the role)
• Knowledge of most common nursery rhymes and songs. Preferred applicants will be able to point to the ceiling, point to the floor, point to the window and point to the door as well as point to various body parts - heads, shoulders, knees and toes and have advanced knowledge of what various sections of society would do when on a bus (with wheels going round and round)
• Ability to generate most animal noises when asked. Special notice will be given to candidates who can also demonstrate convincing actions to go along with these animal noises
• Ability to make convincing aeroplane noises whilst advancing food towards small mouths
• Recognition of special treasures such as particularly fine sticks and pebbles
• Acceptance that any beverage you consume will be tepid at best and stone cold (more usually) in the first two years of service.

Physical demands

Please note that this role will require a certain degree of physical strength. You must be able to carry a heavy weight, put up or unfold a buggy using one foot and a knee alone in under 6 seconds. Be aware that there may be bodily injuries from scratching or biting and you will need strong shoulder strength to carry a small load for a mile back from a long walk.

Advanced skills required as you progress in your role

• Ability to find objects that no one else can locate
• Ability to replace an empty toilet roll with a new one
• Advanced negotiation conflict resolution techniques
• Must require advanced levels of patience

Desirable skills

Preferred candidates will possess the following skills:

• Detailed knowledge of all Disney princesses and Minecraft
• Knowledge of all the words to 'Let it Go'
• Ability to withstand stepping on Lego in the dark without shouting out loud or swearing at an audible level
• Ability to perform emergency first-aid

Possibility for advancement or promotion

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.